MORE Fractured Tales of the Rose Bride!
by Al Kristopher
Summary: The sequel to "Fractured Tales of the Rose Bride", featuring even more outrageous and offensive fairy tale spoofs than you thought possible! Warning, contains homosexuality, incest, anthro, cannibals, wombats, lumberjacks, nonsense, etc. The seventh victim, the Musicians of Bremen!
1. IHOC

Some years ago, a guy got the crazy idea to mix the classic anime "Revolutionary Girl Utena" with some of the world's most cherished and beloved fairy tales.

The result was a catastrophic travesty that desecrated everything it trod upon.

And now that same guy is making another batch of "fractured fairy tales" featuring the characters from this bizarre setting, upsetting and twisting everything they come across. Obviously he's not learned his lesson.

And since you're reading this, neither have you.

Let the good times roll!

**MORE Fractured Tales of the Rose Bride!**

By Al Kristopher

1: IHOC (International House of Candy)

Once upon a microcosm, there lived a woodcutter who was basically a decent guy, but so poor that he walked around only with one shoe on, and when people asked him if he had lost his other shoe, he told them he had actually found one. Guy was so poor that he lived in the woods (chopping up trees, for crying out loud! And he wasn't even offered his own reality TV show! For reals!), married to one of the worst women you could possibly imagine.

No, worse than her. Worse than her, too. Come on, you can think of worse.

Okay, it was Nanami.

"Hey! I am not the worst woman in the world!"

Woman was so evil, she digitally inserted Greedo shooting fist.

Yeah. I know.

Anyway, the woodcutter was so poor that he couldn't even provide for his family, so one day, his lovely, caring, evil wife suggested that they eat their own children to survive (being an avid reader of Jonathan Swift. Yes, I can make white-collar jokes sometimes). He negotiated her down to "abandoning them in the woods", which wouldn't solve their hunger problems _immediately_, but it would certainly secure them in the long run, since there would soon be only two mouths to feed. Grudgingly, she relented, and so, the old woodcutter took his children, Hansel Miki and Grethel Kozue, into the forest, told them to wait while he chopped wood, then turned around giggling to himself, rightfully believing them to be totally PWN'ed.

Now because everyone was incredibly stupid back in those days (I think this was like twenty years ago, or a hundred, or maybe two, I don't know), Hansel Miki and Grethel Kozue believed their father, and their belief was stronger because they heard the sound of chopping wood. Actually, they had stumbled across the set of the reality TV show _American Loggers_, so there was a lot of wood being cut down, but they didn't know that! Sssh! Anyway, day turned into night, and since they had been left in the forest with only half a loaf of bread between them, Kozue suggested they revert to cannibalism.

"Again?" Miki whined. "Is that going to be our answer to everything? Cannibalism? 'Oh yes, we've been without food for a few minutes! Hey, I have an idea! Let's eat each other!' Or we could, you know, _look_ for some! That's an option, too."

"I guess so," Grethel Kozue shrugged. Putting aside her _Hannibal Lecter's Joys of Cooking_ cookbook, Grethel followed her brother deeper into the forest, wondering briefly if she could sneak away and eat one of the American Loggers wandering around. Surely, she reasoned, with great shows such as _Deadliest Catch, American Choppers, Cash Cab, Mythbusters, Shark Week_, and _I Almost Got Away With It_, nobody would miss one or two lumberjacksbut then her stupid brother had to go and ruin her fun by pointing out a stupid edible house made out of stupid candy. Stupid Miki.

"See?" he said, his mouth covered in frosting (or maybe rabies). "It's edible! Why, we can survive off this gingerbread house for months!"

"Maybe, but won't eating too many sweets deprive us of essential vitamins and minerals? You know, the stuff our bodies need to have in order to…well…_live?_"

"Sure," he said"if you're a Communist!" Since Japan is a democracy and not a communist state like its neighbors, China and Russia, Kozue decided to dig in, and began eating the foundations of the house. As they nibbled, a voice called out from inside:

"Little mouse, little mouse, who gnaws outside at my house?"

To which they replied:

"Go get your own (censored) candy!"

The front door opened, revealing a rather pretty dark-skinned lady with lavender hair, who invited them in so they could have better treats, and warm fires, and soft beds. The two children stuck their tongues out rudely, and continued to eat as if the woman weren't there. She sighed and closed her eyes.

"I have HD satellite television."

Well, no sooner said than done, and the children were finally able to get those nutrients that gingerbread and peppermint just can't provide. But the lady locked the door! Dun-dun-dunn! And turned around rubbing her hands together wickedly! Another dun-dun-dunn! And then said that she'd love to have them…FOR DINNER! Dramatic sting music! Oh, and could Hansel Miki clean the inside of her oven?

EXTREMELY GRIPPING JACK BAUER-TYPE MUSIC!

"Inspect it yourself, stupid witch," Miki said, wit his mouth full. The lady did so, since (as I've mentioned before) people were stupid back then, and Grethel Kozue shoved her inside and locked the door, so she would roast alive! Yay! But eventually, all things come to an end, and soon their delicious minerals had been consumed, leaving only the candy house. Now the siblings were surely up pickle creek without a safety net! Because where were they going to get their (censored) minerals?

"We could eat the witch," Kozue suggested. Miki groaned.

"You see what I'm telling you, Kozue? Every time we get the least bit hungry, instead of using our headsor God forbid, our resourceswe revert to cannibalism. Why do we always revert to cannibalism?"

"I dunno," it seemed. "Just seems like the thing to do."

"The thing to d" While he was weighing his sister's vast, gaping stupidity (and alarming trends of appetite), Miki heard another knock on the door, and, hoping for a distraction, went to open it. However, on the other side, was none other than…

"Ho, ho, ho, ho…"

"PIZZA THE HUT!"

"Well, if it isn't Miki, and his sidekick, Puke!"

"That's _Kozue_, dumbass," she sneered.

"Kozue, Puke, whatever! Where's my money?"

"Don't worry, Pizza, the witch Anthy has it! She got burned to death, but we should be able to scrape it out of her ashes by next week!"

"No, no, no, I gotta have it by tomorrow," the pizza gangster said.

"A hundred thousand space bucks? By tomorrow?" they blurted.

"A _hundred_ thousand? Ha, ha, ha! You forgot late charges, which brings it up to, uh…one million!"

"A million? That's unfair!"

"Unfair to the payer, not the payee! Ha, ha, ha, ha! But you're gonna pay _it_, or else!"

"Or else what?" Kozue challenged. Pizza smiled wickedly at them and locked the door.

"Or else you'll starve! Ha, ha, ha, ha! Ciao, kids!" And with that, Pizza wandered off and waited for them to surrender. With all their food gone and no alternatives left, Miki finally submitted to Kozue's will, and ate his own sister! Soon, Pizza came back, and, finding the last child inflexible, ate him, too! So now Pizza was alone in the candy cabin. Unfortunately, he became locked inside, so once again, he was forced to eat himself to death.

The End.

_Next installment: The legend of Momotaro!_

Author's note: I've got about fifteen good ideas for future chapters but any suggestions would be appreciated. Just make sure you review, too.


	2. Ain't That a Peach

Author's note: Alternately, that last chapter could've been called "International House of Cannibals", and it still would have been IHOC. The more you know…

2: Ain't That a Peach

Once upon a crime spree, there lived an old woodcutter named Chu-Chu, who lived with his wife Kanae, and even though they were poor, they loved each other very much. One day, the woodcutter's wife Anthy was washing her clothes down by the river, when an enormous peach came floating down. Nanami took the giant peach home for supper, but before she could cut it open, Chu-Chu swallowed it whole.

The End.

Hmm, maybe I should rewrite that so that the hero doesn't get eaten alive. Okay, let's back up a bit and say that the husband is Ruka, or Akioit really doesn't matter. Ha! So anyway, Aiko and Yuuko opened up the peach, and out sprang a beautiful baby girl! This startled the couple very much.

"Don't worry," said the girl, "I have been sent here by heaven to be your daughter!"

The old couple were very surprised by this, but they took the peach-girl into their family as their own, and named her Utena Tenjou. Because who else really fits the description? Anyway, Utena grew to be a very strong young woman, chopping down large trees with a single blow and carrying entire bundles of clothes to the Laundromat instead of the stupid river. One day, Utena said to her parents,

"Touga, Wakaba, you have been very kind to me, and so I would like to repay your kindness. Far away from here, there is an island fortress, overrun by vile ogres, who have spread their iniquity across the land and have stored mountains of treasure. I will take it upon myself to slay these ogres and recover this treasure in response to your kindness."

The old couple were very concerned with this, but even though they were afraid, they knew that Utena was a very special peach-girl, and so they sent her away on her journey, with her father Miki's axe and three rice dumplings. Suddenly, Chu-Chu appeared from the bushes and ate the dumplings and the peach-girl in one slurp.

The End.

Ach, I'm sorry, Chu-Chu keeps getting involved somehow or another. Don't worry, I can just rewrite the story so that Utena and her food doesn't get eaten. While she never ran into any creature that could swallow her whole, she did find a vigilant pheasant named Juri, a proud dog named Shiori, and an agile monkey named Keiko. Utena quickly gave the three animals her rice dumplings, and in exchange, they joined her quest to slay the ogres and save the countryside. Eventually, the four companions came to the lake where the island fortress had been built, and together, they built a raft to cross over. The fortress was locked up tight, but pheasant Juri flew over to spy out secret entrances, and told the others of a hidden staircase. Monkey Keiko and pheasant Juri then split up, one diving down from the roof and the other storming in from the staircase. The ogres spotted the pheasant at once, but she was too quick for them to catch, and so while they were distracted, monkey Keiko opened up the front entrance, and dog Shiroi and peach-girl Utena rushed inside!

Unfortunately, they discovered that they were not the only ragtag team of adventurers that wanted to barge in and slay the ogres. Standing before them was Wakaba, dressed in a blue checkered dress and red heels, Chu-Chu, Saionji dressed as a scarecrow, Nanami as a tin woodsman, and Anthy as a cowardly lion!

"Hey, what the heck is going on here?" Utena exclaimed. "Wakaba, this is supposed to be _my_ story!"

"Whaddya mean 'your story'?" Wakaba yelled back. "We were sent here by wizard Miki to kill the wicked bitch of the west! Go get your own fairy tale!"

"This IS my fairy tale! I'm supposed to be Momo-flippin'-taro here!"

"Well I'M supposed to be Dorothy Flipping Gale here, Utena!"

"Pheasant! Dog! Monkey!"

"Scarecrow! Tin Woodsman! Cowardly Lion!"

"Peaches!"

"Ruby slippers!"

"Japan!"

"Kansas!"

"Ogres!"

"Bitches!"

"Umm, excuse me," one of the ogres said meekly, "but if both of you could please be quiet, we're all a little hung over from all the violence and blood orgies and pillaging we've accomplished lately, so if you could please keep the noise down just an itty little bit…" Utena and Wakaba glared at the ogre, who shrank back in terror, then focused their rage on each other. The two sets of heroes set upon each other in a horrific frenzy of bloodlust and rage, killing each other and the ogres, until the might of their combined violence tore down the fortress and caused the island to sink into the ocean, drowning them all.

The End (for real this time).

_Next installment: The Six Servants_


	3. Super Duper Justice Best Friends League

Author's note: There are actually several variations of this storyI'm aware of at least three different versions, two of which belong to the brothers Grimmbut the basic premise is the same. Except now I'm giving it my personal, "fractured" twist to it. Enjoy!

3: Super Duper Justice Best Friends League

Once upon a hit and run, there was a great soldier named Touga, whoalthough he had performed many brave and heroic deeds for his countrywas nonetheless dismissed from his occupation during peacetime, and since Touga's country didn't take awesome care of its veterans like America does, he resorted to wandering the world in search of adventure (in other words, he was a bum). He was not on the road very long, however, before he came upon the international fairy tale spelling bee championships. There, he witnessed a clever blue-haired man absolutely destroying his competition, until finally, he won the championship, because he was the only man alive who knew how to properly spell (and pronounce) Mao Tse-Tung's name.

Although I'm pretty sure there was a "Z" in there…

Anyway, fully impressed, Touga approached the champion, asking his name and station. "I am Ruka," he said, "the world's greatest spelling champion. And who might you be?"

"Merely a wandering soldier cast out of his regiment due to peacetime."

"Accursed peace," Ruka growled, balling his fist. "When will people learn that nothing good will ever come of it? I mean, just look at fifty percent of every non-hentai, non-mecha, non-creepy Lolita fetish Japanese animation ever produced! They all have some vague common thread involving some form of warrior class being deposed after a political coup!"

"Kind of like a nation making commentary about its own lurid past?"

"Yes, but with a few more giant robots, squid, and all-powerful prepubescent girls who can kill with string or paper or some stupid crap."

"Yes, well, I'm in this position right now, so would you like to join me as my servant? Men such as us shall have no difficulty traveling together."

"That's a fairly good point, but why should I be your servant? I have perfect spelling; what's your super power?"

After a lengthy, awkward pause, Touga stuttered, "I'm the hero of the story. Doesn't that count?"

"No."

A pause.

"Let's head off," Touga said. Ruka chased after him indignantly.

"Hey, wait a second! That's faulty logic! Damn it, this is how pyramid schemes start!" And so, whether he wanted to or not, Ruka became Touga's humble servant, even though he had super powers and Touga did not. To put that into perspective, it's like Iron Man or Ghost Rider or maybe Martian Manhunter bending his knee to you. Because you are not special.

It was not long before the two travelers met with further adventures. They came across an incredibly seductive and persuasive man alone on the road, belching so loudly that the entire world trembled. Not only could he belch longer than eighteen seconds (which is actually the world record, I'm not making that part up), but he could do it consecutively (which is what I can do, ahem, ladies!), and as I said, so loud that Touga and Ruka thought that a flaming airship had plummeted from the sky and crashed into a sports arena (oh the humanity!). Once the man had taken a breather, the two wanderers approached him, impressed with his skill.

"I must say," Touga smiled, "a man who has a burp of that magnitude will make short work of the world. How would you like to join me as my servant, and do all kinds of ridiculously elaborate and outrageously dangerous tasks in my stead, while getting absolutely none of the credit?"

"I'd say that you should bite me," the belch-master said. Ruka coughed.

"Just go along with him, Akio. You can't fight destiny."

"Or fate," Touga said smarmily.

"Actually," Akio said, but before he could issue another word, a belch more powerful than the last few erupted from his lips, blowing away trees and rocks and several cows, who all landed on something, killing thousands. Whee! With that decided, Akio joined our two companions, but before they could even take a single step, they met another person with extraordinary powers!

"Red hots," cried the pink-haired man, "get your red hots! Frankfurters, conies, sausages, hot dogs, bun buddies, get em' while they're hot!"

"A man with pink hair selling phallic food items," Touga observed. He smiled at his companions, but Akio stayed his hand.

"Let's just power through this one, my friend. I'd rather have nachos anywBRRR-RRR-RR-RR-AAAAA-AAA-AAA-AAAAAAA-PPPPPP!"

"What special power do you have, hot dog vendor?" Touga asked. The vendor frowned in thought, finally shrugging.

"Nothing, really, unless you think having an unlimited supply of condiments counts." Touga sputtered.

"An unlimited supply of condoms?"

"No. _Condiments._ Ketchup, mustard, relish, mayonnaise, salsa…"

"Ohoooohhh! ConDIMents! Right."

There is an awkward pause.

"So if I buy a hot dog from you, will you become my servant?"

"Do I get dental, a 401K, medical, and vacation days?"

"Yes, but there's also a waiver you have to sign that says I legally own your soul."

"That's fine, I've been meaning to get rid of it anyway, stupid soul. Sign me up!" And so, the three heroes became four, and they linked elbows and skipped merrily across the countryside off in search of a magical adventure! Yay! As is usually the case here, our adventurers next stumbled across a dark and forbidding…hmm, well, I'd like to say "forest", but that's cliché and stupid, and dungeons are worse, so…hmm, what's a fairly uncommon setting? An atoll! Yes, that's it! So our heroes stumbled across a dark and forbidding atoll, but it was also a tropical paradise at the same time, so they met a lot of really gorgeous women wearing coconut bras and grass skirts, but at the same time, they ran into a swarm of smarmy pool boys who didn't speak their language, and demanded ludicrous tips or else they'd warn the feds about their guests' illegal methamphetamine labs and underground child labor-slash-prostitution circles!

Wow! Talk about going off on a tangent! Let's back up a minute there and pray that nobody believes for a second that the preceding scenario actually happened. Because it totally didn't, I swear. Well, the women in grass skirts and coconut bras did, at any rate. And that's as much as my lawyers have advised me I can legally say.

So this atoll was generally a dangerous (but sexy!) place for our heroes to be. Since they all had extraordinary super powers, though, they felt that they'd be all rightbut they weren't! For out of the shadows descended a…um…a shadowy creature, who glared at them from the depths of the, uh…shadows, with its…hmm…shadowy eyes.

Not a good time for me to lose my thesaurus.

"What's this?" Nimuro the hot-dog vendor said. "Another hero with powers?"

**"I am not a hero,"** the shadowy figure declared in a voice that sounded like he had a pack-a-day habit. **"Rather, I am a dark angel, an ever-watchful sentinel, a guardian who lurks in the depths, scouring this city clean of the crime that festers within. It is a grueling and thankless task, and it is never enough to stem the tide of madness and decay, but she is my city, my bloated whore, and I will do all I can to save it from itself. I am the avenging…um…avenger who lurks underneath, a symbol of hope for a city desperately crying out for justice, an elemental force which others might follow."**

A pause.

"Normally," said an exasperated Touga, "when somebody asks you a question, they expect an _answer_, not a vague and pointless egocentric monologue. WHAT-IS-YOUR-NAME?"

**"Oh, right, sorry,"** the shadowy figure said. He cleared his throat, leaping into the air again, and crashed to the ground in spectacular fashion. **"I am retribution. I am fury. I am the darkness which causes men to fear. I am the terror that gnaws at the roots of wickedness"**

"JUST GIVE US YOUR NAME, DOUCHE!"

**"I'm getting to that!"** he screamed. **"Don't you morons have any sense of drama? Anyway, I am the hero that people need, not the hero they deserve… Or is it the other way around? I am"**

"GET ON WITH IT!"

**"I'm Wombatman."**

"Wombatman?" Nimuro repeated. Touga sighed.

"There, was that so hard? So what are your special powers, Wombatman?"

**"The Wombat is a symbol of ferocity and vigilance at night, an entity which burrows beneath the muck and corruption of a bloated government to weed out the truth, an ever-present bearer of"**

"WITHOUT…the monologue, please!"

**"Oh, sorry. Anyway, I'm a creature of the night, with Wombat-related powers. For example: the Wombatmobile, the Wombatarang, the Wombatchair, the Wombatskiboat, the Wombatladder, the Wombatbodyarmorwithnipples, and of course, the Wombatsharkrepellant."**

"I'd say he makes the cut, Touga," Akio said. "Maybe you should make this man your indentured"

**"WOMBATman,"** Wombatman corrected. **"Not MAN. WOMBATman."**

"Of course. You could make this _Wombatman_ your indentured servant."

"He's right," Ruka said. "You _could_."

"I think I shall do that," Touga said. He and Wombatman shook on it.

**"It will be a great honor to serve this city and all those who fight to protect it. Now let us make haste, comrades, to the secret Wombatcave, where my stuffy but unflappable Wombatbutler will serve us Wombatmintjulips with those fancy little Wombatumbrellas."**

"Touga," Nimuro grumbled, "are you positive we should allow this _thing_ into our clubhouse? He's only been around for five minutes and he's already the most annoying character we've ever met."

"Says the man who uses condiments to fight crime," Ruka smirked.

"Shut up! Shut up! We'll see who's laughing when the super-villain slips on the puddle of mustard I left behind! And then he'll fall down the stairs and break his neck!"

"All of you be quiet," Touga said. "We're coming out of the atoll."

"You mean the _Deus ex machina_," Akio sighed. Whatever it was called, they were moving out of it, ready to face the next person to join their LARP. And it was Miki!

"Not now," he said, dismissing them with a wave. "I'm in yet another battle to the death with Alex Trebek! So far, my vast and implacable knowledge of trivia is winning out, but you never know when Trebek will turn around and slap you with something so obscure, even Google doesn't know what it is! But I would! Because I'm THAT powerful!"

"I think your real power lies in all the exclamation marks you use," Touga observed.

"No it doesn't!" Miki said.

"Well, in any case, being trivially omniscient sounds like it would be helpful, so please follow me as I exploit every super-powered random stranger I find in my quest for vengeance or power or sex or whatever the hell is motivating me."

"Probably all three," Ruka muttered.

**"I can help you with your insane quest,"** Wombatman offered. **"I'm all about revenge. And powerI've got that by the bucket. Oh, and women can't resist me. But I'm probably a closet homosexual. You know, because of the tights. And my 'ward'. And the Wombatnipples."**

Yet another pause.

"Uh…huh…"

Akio coughed. "We sure could use another _Deus ex machina_."

They sure couldand here it is! Utena approached! Yay!

"Ah, at last!" Ruka exclaimed. "I was afraid this was going to end up being a sausage party!"

"Hey!" Nimuro wailed. Ruka sputtered.

"No offense, noble vendor."

"Actually, I'm not really Utena Tenjou," Utena said. She stood up tall, performing a magical girl salute, and exclaimed in a loud voice, "My real name is Captain Hermaphrodite! I have all the powers and traits of a man AND a woman! I'm sexually befuddling and genetically ambivalent!"

"So that's your super power?" Touga said. "Well, it seems you'll fit in just fine with my cadre of heroes. Now follow me, my blindly loyal and zealous servants! Follow me as I win the heart of a hot rebellious tomboy princess, and the admiration of an entire kingdom of very easily-duped peasants, using only the special abilities you all have willingly imbibed! And all without giving you the slightest shred of credit."

"That sounds reasonable enough," Miki said, and so the heroes resumed their journey until they found such a kingdom. As it turned out, Shiori was the hot princess in question, while her father, King Interchangeable Name ("Mitsuru" for now), was the evil lout who demanded the aforementioned impossible labors for any wandering hero to perform so he could win his daughter. You see, back in those days, women were considered property, no more important than, say, badger pelts, or buck antlers, or rugs, or

"Or salt!" Nimuro said. Yes, that's correct! Women existed solely to be bartered, bought, and sold back then, and O, what a magical and glorious time that was! And exciting! I mean, seriously, think about it! Your father could give you away, like so many magic beans, to whatever random passerby happened to be within visual range, whether it was a pig herder covered in filth, a talking raccoon (may or may not have rabies), an evil warlord who would just as soon behead you as he'd look at you, the dude so ugly he makes Elephant Man look like a pre-I-Can't-Believe-It's-Not-Butter Fabio, a random official who told the king he had performed all those impossible tasks he gave to the wandering aforementioned pig-herder (and the king believed him fully even though the official had no proof of his deeds whatsoever), heck, even another woman, if her disguise was moderately convincing (hint: spirit gum and fake beards). And because you were on the same economic value level as a slave, you had to take it!

I miss those days. Don't you?

Anyway, King Mitsuru or whatever his name was gave Touga a series of increasingly impossible challenges, and because he was so lazy, Touga ordered his servants to do it instead! Ah, but don't worry, fair readers: even though these six super-powered demi-gods were going to do all the legwork, Touga would be the one to win the princess and the entire kingdom, and all because he just happened to be the hero of the story. The first task was to defeat the avatar of all things evil, the devil (as performed by Elizabeth Hurley), in a duel, but since Daniel Webster and Charlie Daniels were nowhere to be found, Ruka was summoned, and squashed Elizabeth Hurley viciously, as he was successfully able to spell the name of India's prime minister.

Note: As of the time of this writing, I don't rightfully know who that actually is, but I can guarantee you their name will be several paragraphs long.

With that out of the way, the king conceived of another trial for Touga that would also conveniently line up with one of the super-powers his slaves had. Because Miki had battled Alex Trebek to the death so many times in the past, the king thought it would be fair if Touga challenged him for one last fight, but instead of a trivia match-off, Trebek slipped on a puddle of hot dog relish that Nimuro had spilled, and so fell down a staircase and broke his neck.

"Told you," Nimuro said, sticking his tongue out. Not to be defeated so easily, the king then asked Touga to obliterate all the castles and towns of his enemy, King Not Appearing in This Chapter. Touga said "No problem, man," and gave Akio lots of soda. After ingesting the flavored carbonated sugar-water, Akio let out such a spectacular, epic burp that it leveled the entire countryside, shattering stones and sending their crumbled ruins flying to the far corners of the earth, where they fell upon the celebrity that you hate the most, killing him/her/it instantly (mine's Bieber!).

Suddenly, the Holiday Special Legion of Doom approached, threatening to take over the kingdom! King Mitsuru was kidnapped (gasp!), Princess Shiori was TIED UP (double gasp!), and as always, Queen Nanami was turned into some kind of animal (mwa haha!). Luckily, heroes such as Captain Hermaphrodite and Wombatman were on the scene, and together, they used their powers of being a man and a woman, and the power of wombats, to dispense of the wicked Holiday villains, and save the kingdom!

Oh, and Miki did something too, I guess.

"You have saved my kingdom," Mitsuru said, taking Touga by the hands. "Also, you have proved you're a capable ruler by spelling better than anyone on the planet, burping so loud that it blew houses away, knowing everything there ever was to know about everything that doesn't actually help you succeed in real life, and causing a beloved game show host to die a horrible, humiliating death! Also, because my daughter is bisexual, she'll love the thought of sleeping with someone with BOTH genitals, and you even have a pouch on your tummy! You're the perfect king!"

"I know," Touga smiled. And so because of all these skills, Touga got to marry his property and rule an entire kingdom, even though he was basically hired right off the street. And whatever became of his servants? Ironically, they were robbed of their profession just like Touga was way back in the beginning of the story, and so they set to wandering the earth as well, looking for more super-powered people to screw over on their quest for glory.

Thus the cycle continues!

The End.

But one question remains, dear readers: WHO IS WOMBATMAN?

_Next installment: The Princess and the Pea_


	4. How to Exorcise a Princess

4: How to Exorcise a Princess in Three Easy Steps

Once upon a child…is a used-clothing store for children ages two to ten. And now, for something completely different!

It was a dark and stormy night…but nothing bad happened because everyone was already asleep. Ha!

So there was this princess, right? But isn't there always? Haven't you ever wondered how Europe ever got along when every conceivable square meter of land was covered by kingdoms? I mean, seriously! If you can read a fairy tale without stumbling across nine different kingdoms, I've certainly never heard of it! You'd think they'd get to fighting and killing each other, as people are wont to do. It was no wonder kings could give their daughters away like cattlethere were at least nineteen of them around at any given time! But I digress. This is not the time or place for commentary.

The princess that I mentioned had been cast out of her own kingdom, probably because the nine-hundred other neighboring kings thought it would be fun to murder their neighbors, burn their houses (to make room for…houses), salt their fields (so they'd have a chance to plant THEIR God-given vegetable gardens and NOT the heathen wilted flowers of their hated enemy's blood rituals!), rape the women (or whatever livestock was around), send children off to slavery (wacky times), and basically make life a living hell for everyone that didn't swear blind, unyielding fealty to themselves. But hey, if you want to make a kingdom omelet, you have to break a few skulls.

Since kingdoms were slightly more ubiquitous than the blades of grass and clumps of dirt they killed people over, our heroine, whose name was Princess Anthy Himemiya, was quickly able to find refuge in one of the "good" neighboring kingdoms (they only SLIGHTLY raped). Unfortunately for her, it had been a dark and stormy night (as I mentioned), and the poor girl was utterly askew and askance from wandering around out in the wind and rain and mud and frogs and locusts and walruses and crocodiles and dogs and okay I just went off on another tangent, but trust me, this was one hell of a storm, and Anthy was in a ghastly state.

Luckily, the people of this castle were better than most (they didn't pillage and plunder so much as ask impolitely), and they took Anthy into their care. As it happened to be, there was another princess living in that castle, a lesbian princess, who wanted desperately to be in a raunchy, exciting, sexy, steamy relationship with a princess of her own. She had more than a few cute maids and handmaidens at her beck and call, and a handful of hot bodyguards, erm…"protecting" her, but she was royalty, darn it! She couldn't very well get married to a handmaiden (though to be fair, she didn't want to disappoint all of her lovers by saying that she desired one more than the rest)! The princess wanted another princess as her bride, and just as she was opening the door to let this pathetic soul inside, she met what appeared to be the girl of her dreams!

"Oh, hello Miss Utena!" Princess Anthy exclaimed. Utena flinched.

"Ssh! (Anthy, we're not supposed to know each other yet!)"

"But we do know each other, Miss Utena," she answered blithely. Utena stammered.

"Uh…do you mean like one of those 'star-crossed lovers destined to meet and be together regardless of who they are or what time period it is'? You know, reincarnation and all that romantic crap?"

"Nope!" she squeaked. "I'm your Rose Bride! Have you forgotten already?"

Utena struggled to maintain her dignity. Quietly, without anyone else noticing, she took Anthy with her to a secluded place, hit her soundly on the head with a comically-oversized mallet, and brought her back, none the wiser.

"Um, so, miss," she muttered, "we've never met before, have we?" Once the twittering birds and orbiting stars had faded, Anthy shook her head clear and smiled innocently.

"No, I don't seem to remember you…or me…or anything else…"

"Perfect! So let's get this perfectly common girl to bed! But first I have to tear off her clothes and get her in a tub of steamy water, before slathering oil and lotion all over her body!"

Pause.

"Um…did I say '_I _have to'? Because I meant to say my handmaidens have to! Yes! My handmaidens! And I have to, uhh…supervise! Yeah! To make sure they clean _everything_!"

"Goody!" Anthy exclaimed, and so Utena, Anthy, and all the handmaidens went to the royal baths and had a lesbian orgy! Yay! Thanks to the power of hot lesbian sex, Anthy was able to recall a few memories, and dredged up the crazy notion that she was a princess (but really, who _wasn't_?). Princess Utena believed her, of course, but then posed that she was seeking out a TRUE princess for her bride, and not just any horny young nymphomaniac pansexual woman would do (although there was room for that, too). This led to a debate about what a true princess was, and so, before she was put to bed, Utena slipped a pea underneath Anthy's mattress, believing that a true princess would have skin so fair that she would feel the pea beneath her as she slept. Of course, since we're following the laws of physics here, Anthy crushed the pea flat the moment she laid down. Fortunately, there was enough left over for pea soup, which she promptly made, ate, and regurgitated everywhere. Oh no! I think Anthy's demon possessed!

Utena barged into Anthy's room just as her prospective lesbian wife hovered above the bed, uttering nonsensical arcane gibberish as her head lolled and revolved on its shoulders. She spewed enormous floods of Princess and the Pea soup everywhere, especially on Utena, and as her would-be lover called out to her,

"ANTHYYYYY!"

Like that, she turned around, her eyes glowing fiery orange.

**"AnThY iSn'T hErE rIgHt NoW, mIsS uTeNa! ShAlL i TaKe A mEsSaGe FoR hEr?"**

Sheesh, you all have absolutely no idea how difficult that was to type.

Anyway, Utena screamed, "Stop that! Get out of her at once, or else!"

**"Or ElSe WhAt, LiTtLe WoMaN? WIlL yOu UsE yOuR pOwErS oF hErMaPhRoDiTiSm? MwAhAhAhAhAhA! eVeN tHoUgH sHeMaLeS aRe PrEtTy HoT, tHeIr PoWeRs WiLl NoT wOrK oN mE! iNsErT vIlLaInOuS dEvIl LaUgH!"**

"Powers of… What the heck are you talking about? I'll just make a phone call!"

"**WhO yOu GoNnA cAlL?"**

"Ghostbusters!"

**"GRAAH! Curse your pop culture ingenuity!"**

"Hey, your writing's back to normal," she observed.

**"Yeah, doing it the other way was really super hard. I may be the avatar of evil incarnate possessing the woman you love, but even I can be considerate. Anyway, curse your clever bones!"**

"My bones are none of your business!" she exclaimed. Just then, Wombatman smashed through the window!

**"I am the ever-vigilant falcon hovering silently over a world gone horribly wrong, a darkness lurking in the murk hiding behind shadows lost in a world twisted in depravity."**

"So?" Utena said. Wombatman coughed.

** "I saw the Wombatsignal and came rushing here as fast as my Wombatboots could go."**

"Um, thanks," Utena said awkwardly, "but I asked for a Ghostbuster, not a super-hero."

**"I'm also a professional exorcist. But that isn't a clue to my secret identity! Nope, no sir! There isn't a forensics expert in the world who can make **_**that**_** connection, missy!"**

** "Oh, great, this is going to get really confusing,"** the demon possessing Anthy groaned.

**"How so?"** Wombatman said. Before either of them could break the fourth wall (or what little there was left of it), the _real_ Ghostbusters (cartoon version) came storming in! As they opened their proton packs and shot the, uh, lasery thingies at Anthy (give me a break, it's been years since I saw the cartoons), she returned fire with a vile blast of acidic pea-soup compound churned up straight from her intestinal track! Yummy! The Ghostbusters were immediately blasted away, but then Priest Damian and that old guy came rushing in, throwing salt and holy water at the hovering body! More bile was spewed, so Dr. Evil was called in!

"The power of Ikuhara compels you! The power of Ikuhara compels you!"

**"Foolish, feeble priests! And Ghostbusters! AND would-be world conquerors! Your pathetic attempts will not part me from my prize!"**

Everyone glanced at Wombatman.

**"Wasn't me."**

** "Yes it was!"** Anthy screamed. Utena roared and pushed all of them aside.

"URRGH! Can't one of you speak without using boldface type!"

"Fourth wall!" Miki screamed, sticking his head in through the door. He was instantly covered with pea-flavored vomit. Utena helped him wipe the gunk off.

"Goodness, how much did she eat?"

"Well, there was only one pea in that soup, but…then again, this _is_ Anthy we're talking about."

"Oh yeah, good point." So now Miki was helping Utena, Priest Damian, Old Guy, Wombatman, Dr. Evil, and the Ghostbusters exorcise a demon that had possessed Anthy Himemiya. And that was probably the most surreal sentence you will ever read in this chapter.

I like cake.

Finally, Utena could not take any more, and so she placed her hand on Anthy's chest (woo-hoo, finally!) and pulled out a sword. Then, with a big cheesy grin on, she pulled out several more swords that had been connected to the first, kind of like that magic trick where the magician…ahh, you know. But as she was pulling out the last sword, she also pulled out the demon! Anthy stopped spitting out pea soup, fell back onto the bed, and went soundly to sleep as if none of this had ever happened.

"But what about the demon?" Miki said. Utena scowled at the writhing creature, grabbed its face in her fingers, ripping it off to reveal…

"LANDSCAPER LENNY?"

"That's right!" Landscaper Lenny snarled. "It was me! I possessed Anthy Himemiya! And I'd do it again, too!"

"But why, Landscaper Lenny?" Utena said. "WHY?"

"Doubloons! Hundreds of Spanish doubloons, worth a fortune, all of them buried inside that sexy woman's body! If I could've gotten my hands on those darned things, I would've been able to cash them in for EIGHT HUNDRED SEVENTEEN DOLLARS AND FORTY-TWO CENTS! And I would've gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for you meddling lesbian princesses! And your Wombatman!"

**"Yes, well, justice has been served, and so have you, punk! You can leave the rest to me, Utena; I'll take this scumbag to jail. I am the darkness underneath a full moon!"**

"Thanks, Wombatmanbut will we ever see you again?"

Wombatman silently turned his head, and without saying a word, leaped back outside the window.

"Wow, so cool," Utena gasped. Just then, Anthy woke up.

"Hmm…nnnh, what a pleasant sleep I've had! Absolutely void of any nightmarish dreamscapes or traumatizing experiences! Oh, but it was certainly uncomfortable! I felt the worst bulges everywhere! My body's all sore and…mmmm, stiff." Utena smiled with relief.

"Don't worry, I'm sure a full-body tantric massage will cure your ills. But there wasn't anything beneath these mattresses, Anthy! You crushed the pea, remember?" She and Anthy lifted the mattress, but to Utena's surprise, there was a herd of elephants in there!

"Oh my!" Anthy exclaimed. Utena grimaced, but ultimately decided that any princess strong enough to sleep with a herd of elephants beneath her was more than worthy of being her bride. And so, the noble princess took the…other noble princess into her arms, drew their faces close, preparing to kiss her beloved…

When Wombatman abruptly crashed through the window again.

**"Forgot to bring the criminal,"** he said, taking Landscaper Lenny back with him, leaving Utena and Anthy fixed to the spot, utterly bewildered.

The End.

_Next installment: The Boy Who Cried Wolf_


	5. The Boy who cried Wolf

5: The Wolf who cried "Boy"

Once upon an Illudium PU-36 Explosive Space Modulator, there lived a gentle, kindly wolf named Touga, who— although he wanted to do nothing but good to others, and have good done to him— nevertheless found himself in very dire straights, for he was poverty-stricken, and had no pack to support him in his times of crisis. Even so, he was a very skilled and very clever hunter, and could get by as most wolves do— and occasionally do better. Whenever Touga so chanced upon a shepherd burdened with the gruesome task of caring for far too many sheep, many of these on the verge of death, he found it in the favor of both parties to rid the overburdened shepherd of his weakest flock, so that he may continue to live and the shepherd would not be distressed with having to care for one so close to its final moments. After all, a wolf must eat, and what would it matter to one who had so many, to lose but the feeblest?

One day, our heroic wolf chanced upon a town. Understanding that civilization as a whole did not enjoy his company, he decided to make his presence known in more subtle ways. When the butcher chanced to rid his shop of excessive organs from his carcasses, the wolf offered his services, such as they were. When a poor calf was deemed unfit for life, cursed with a crippled leg, and given the bleakest chances for survival, Touga extended his mercies in hopes that its burdens would cease. When the town drunk had gambled away the last of his earnings, and utterly spent all that life had to offer him, and only found solace in soaring majestically above the town bridge, into its icy lake— well, Touga made sure to remove his body and dispose of it as only he could. When the town brothel simply couldn't take care of all the babies they were—

Um, okay, let's move on.

"Yes, that's right," Touga said. "After all, this is a story about a WOLF, not a dingo."

Cough.

Sorry, folks. I couldn't resist.

Anyway, the town gradually came to accept its hard-working new visitor, and enjoyed his company so much that they went to great troubles to hire a lad so that his presence could be announced! Well! So! Whenever the wolf appeared, he would be greeted as a king, and his name would echo out from the highest hill, so that all would know that their friend had come, and praise him with exaltations! Touga couldn't have been happier! But how was he going to repay these people for their generosity? Having such honors bestowed upon him was unbecoming; he simply couldn't take without giving, at least. And so he sought out the one person every citizen in the town despised, and vowed to rid his beloved new city of this vermin, as only a paragon of his sort could. Therefore, it was only proper that the town's congressional aides find their superior utterly devoured the next morning.

In thanks for this heroic deed, the town council gathered to bestow a further honor to their gracious wolf: that, whenever their young caller should announce his presence, once the wolf Touga had completed his business, they were to personally see him safe to his home in the forest, so that he may not be waylaid by more dangerous beasts. What kindness! Security, honor, all the food he could want, a town's jubilation when he so much as raised his snout…! It couldn't be believed! So Touga had at last found paradise. But one day, when he was mindlessly gnawing on the bone of a sickly old ox no one was sure to miss, he chanced to hear his presence being announced throughout the city streets. What a curious turn of events! Here he was, considerably distanced from his cherished town's gates, entertaining himself on spoils without any need to visit his friends, and the town would flock to greet nothingness in the meantime!

"What the (bleep) is that (bleep) doing?" he wondered idly. But no matter; he had his bones, and surely the lad must be playing a jest. After all, who could blame him for wanting to announce the arrival of his hero? But scarcely an hour had passed before Touga's name was called once more, and from his vantage point, our beloved wolf could see his fellow citizens massing in his honor— and yet he remained distant! Far be it from Touga to never attend his own welcoming ceremonies, and surely the people must be tiring of this farce as well! Something must obviously be done! He would have to discuss this with the lad. Yet no sooner had he braced himself to leave his hovel than his name was proclaimed a third time, with far more drastic results!

"This will not do," he said to himself. "My friends are beginning to lose their patience. Suppose I should honestly approach their doorstep, and they hear their boy calling, and do not come to greet me! They have been so good to me, and they always enjoy my visits with such wonderful cheer; I would hate to keep disappointing them." Resolving to move quickly, Touga stole into the city under the cover of darkness. For the first time since he had made his presence known, his gracious eminence was announced without a procession. Sure enough, the townspeople had grown to doubt their irresponsible boy. Touga fixed himself to resolve this egregious error, found the boy exclaiming on the hill, and approached him with every conceivable bit of diplomacy his fangs had to offer.

One week later, when he came by to check on their progress, his adoring fans returned to honor him as they always had. All was right with the world.

_The End_

_Next installment: Paul Bunyan_


	6. Attack of the 50-foot Lumberjack!

6: Attack of the 50-Foot Lumberjack!

Once upon a mausoleum, Ohtori Academy's annual science fair project was held, and every student was expected to do one of three things: to show some understanding of the scientific world; to not make those stupid baking powder volcanoes that every hackneyed kid cooks up at the last minute; and for the love of Dios, don't burn down the gymnasium and kill a bunch of students like Professor Nimuro did that one time (though in hindsight, it was pretty awesome). And so a table of judges was selected: Akio, of course, as Chairman of the board; Touga, naturally, as president of the student council; Kozue, obviously, as the school whore; and Chu-Chu, just for the hell of it.

And since I might as well get this out of the way, yes: three of the four judges were having "outside relations" with one another. I'll let you figure out which three.

I'll give you a hint: I lied! Nobody was excluded! Ha!

The very first exhibit our four esteemed judges visited was Mitsuru's table, which explained how a confectionary-based AI could be implanted into a supercomputer whose sole purpose was to perform scientific experiments. The judges gave him an "A" for effort, but couldn't give him any prizes because it had been done before. The next was Mari, that unusually mature young girl who showed up in one episode and inexplicably disappeared from the rest of the series (even though she would've made a MUCH better duelist than Mitsuru). She had invented a rocket-powered skateboard, but when Touga tried to ride it, it flew out from underneath him and beheaded Saionji.

"Not again," Akio sighed, covering his face. He gave Mari a "B+" because, even though her invention was pretty bad-ass, it only seemed capable of killing Saionji, and that, too, had been done before. Not having found an original concept yet, they next turned to Utena, who had invented a "who would win in a duel" machine. To demonstrate, she punched her name in one column and Chuck Norris's name in the other. Not surprisingly, the machine declared she would win without any problems.

"This is a very interesting toy," Touga remarked. "It may very well make the Rose Bride duels obsolete. I should like to see this machine demonstrated further, Utena—perhaps in a more…private session."

"Oh, don't worry, it's going to be a mobile telephone and tablet application in no time."

Touga became flustered. "Um…well, what I meant was…"

"What he meant was that it's time for the next demonstration." Kozue slipped her arm through his and tactfully led him away, where his charms would fall upon more receptive ears. Akio was looking forward to the next series of experiments, for they had now entered the "montage of silly designs that parade before the main attraction" section of the story (page 1 paragraph 7). And just for the hell of it, again, Chu-Chu judged them all!

1: Juri brings out a miniature tank run by mice. It shoots real bullets!

2: Shiori demonstrates the use of lasers for melee weaponry and is summarily sued by George Lucas! She then reminds him that other venues have done the same thing (Final Fantasy, No More Heroes, The Slayers, Tenchi Muyo, Phantasy Star, Star Ocean…), and escapes his wrath!

3: Nanami makes an elaborate Rube Goldberg device that, ultimately, does absolutely nothing. Touga gives her a "mercy grading", Nanami pines for him.

4: Ruka demonstrates the ability to come back from the dead, and brings Saionji with him just long enough for the two to witness one more scientific breakthrough.

5: Professor Nimuro burns down the gymnasium again, killing two more students.

6: Wakaba invents the fire extinguisher and saves the day.

7: The Shadow Girls interrupt the show for a vague morality play/metaphorical lesson that somewhat ties in to the day's events. They are summarily kicked out since this is technically not science.

8: Miki demonstrates a thousand and one different ways to blow up Justin Bieber's head, and is given the Nobel Prize for scientific achievement.

9: Keiko, Yuko, and Eiko show off their understanding of nuclear physics by juggling live warheads!

And finally, Saionji rises from his grave just in time to join a pen and a pencil together with Scotch tape and a rubber band.

With that out of the way, the judges moved on to Anthy's table, Kozue muttering, "I wonder what the school bicycle's thought of", while Touga smiled, "This should be interesting,", and Akio said, "Ah, and here we come to my darling little sister's exhibition."

Chu-Chu just said, "Chu-Chu!" As if that comes as a shock.

Anthy greeted them all with a warm smile, presenting a unique new dish she had made (with science!). Since Touga and Akio were the only ones who knew better, they wisely refrained from eating it, but Chu-Chu, as we all know, will eat anything within a five-kilometer radius, and Kozue wasn't in that episode.

"Dig in!" Anthy gushed. Chu-Chu had already eaten thirteen and a half plates (including the actual plates themselves) by the time Kozue nibbled on hers. Because Chu-Chu's stomach is an everlasting vortex of perpetual hunger, fit to consume the entire universe and more, it really didn't affect him, but Kozue immediately flew up in the air after eating her meal, and flew all the way to California, where she crash-landed in the vast redwood forests, hitting the ground so hard that an immense fissure opened!

"Whew," Saionji sighed. "For once it's not me." Yet all was not well at Ohtori, for a powerful titan had been slumbering deep within the earth's crust (in California), and once Kozue opened the fissure, he woke with a vengeance, and climbed out, thirsty for blood! Towering over his redwood brethren, swathed in red plaid, overalls, a woolen cap, and a beard that could pummel Chuck Norris into submission, the immense giant bellowed at the world he hated so—and he was not alone. An immense blue ox followed him, horns three times the size of a man, blasts of fiery steam curling out from his nose. It was none other than Paul Bunyan, and his faithful companion, Babe!

No, not the pig, stupid. The ox. Didn't they teach this stuff to you in school?

"Oh my goodness!" Anthy exclaimed. Miki stared slack-jawed.

"Miss Himemiya! You've killed my twin sister and revived an ancient evil that could possibly destroy the entire planet! But the worst part is…"

"YES?!" everyone exclaimed, leaning in closely. Miki blushed.

"I think I'm actually _more_ attracted to you now…"

KER-THONK!

While everyone else was busy recovering from a massive face-fault, Paul Bunyan noticed that the trajectory of the Kozue Missile led to Ohtori Academy! And that's in Japan!—right? Well, who cares? He hoisted himself onto his trusty steed, and together they swam across the Pacific Ocean, emerging in Yokohama Bay (which is really close to Tokyo)! The citizens of Tokyo ran around in an aimless panic as two mighty titans stomped through their beloved city, destroying everything in their path! The Japanese military was called up to defend the island, but all their technology and tactics proved useless against a giant axe-wielding lumberjack and his fire-breathing bull! Hope was fading fast!

"Our hope is fading fast!" Generic Japanese military commander said. "What can we do? How can we defend against such a beast?" Yet even Tokyo was not Paul Bunyan's objective: he plowed through the city, laying waste to the countryside, in his mad quest for Ohtori Academy! Once the citizens understood where he was going, a cry of rejoicing went up, because Paul Bunyan was going to kill someone else instead of them! And that's always acceptable!

Akio, inside of his observatory-slash-love nest, was having sex with Touga and Kozue's replacement, Shiori, who was still a pretty big whore, I guess. As they did the sex with one another, Shiroi managed to look up and scream,

"It's coming!"

I know, I know. I couldn't help it. I'm sorry.

Unfortunately, since Akio and Touga were thinking the exact same thing most of you perverts were, Paul Bunyan was able to land a preemptive strike on Ohtori Academy, destroying Akio's observatory and the three whores inside it with a mighty blow! Now that the school had lost four of its most influential sluts, it was up to the remaining two to save the day!

"I hope he doesn't mean me," Utena growled. "I only had sex with Akio and Anthy! And maybe Miki once or twice, and then there was that three-way with Juri, and I might have fooled around with Wakaba, and then there's the time I went ahead and did it with Touga anyway, against my better judgment…"

"Okay, we get the picture!" Nanami screamed. "You're a regular virgin, aren't you? Well, I guess it's up to all the ACTUAL virgins to save the day this time, since it's clear that fooling around isn't going to work! So who's with me?" Mitsuru and Mari came up first (if they hadn't, it would've been WAY too creepy, even for me), followed closely by Suzuki, Yamada, and Tanaka, and then Tetsuya, poor guy. Nanami stared blankly at the utter lack of assistants gathering around her.

"Oh, for the love of…! Are you telling me that the seven of us are the only people in the entire school that have never had sex?!"

"Um, Nanami," Saionji coughed, "I think you mean to say the _six_ of us?"

She winced. "Please don't tell me you went after Mitsuru's little friend, Kyoichi!"

"Um, no," he deadpanned, "you and I did it not long ago. You DO remember that time, don't you?"

Nanami's entire body turned brilliant burgundy, and bullet-sized drops of sweat trickled down her forehead. Before anybody could say or do anything, she whirled around, cackling.

"Oh, Saionji, spreading lies once more, are you? We all know you're a depraved, deceptive swine, but there's no need to drag MY name through the mud!" Saionji growled, quickly losing his patience.

"Nanami, I'm being ser—"

Suddenly, Babe the blue ox crushed Saionji underneath his hoof, and the first person to scream was Nanami.

"AAAAAH! You horrible monster! You just stepped on my boyfriend! It's payback time!"

"No, wait!" Utena said, grabbing Nanami and holding her back. "Look up there!"

"I see it," Anthy said. "Is it a flying saucer?"

"No, it's—"

"It's Gamera!" Mitsuru squealed. A large whirling shell flew in from out of the blue, powered by four rockets. It quickly touched down in front of Paul Bunyan, and the beloved friend of all children emerged from the shell, roaring in challenge. Everyone, even Nanami, cheered and whistled as the protector of all humanity (but mostly children) stood beside them, and a band and chorus struck up his legendary theme song:

_Gameraaaaaaaa, Gameraaaaaaaa!_

_Gamera is really neat, Gamera is filled with meat,_

_We believe in Gameraaaaaaaa!_

_Shell! Teeth! Eyes! Flames! Claws! Breath! Scales! Fun!_

_Akio is kind of a jerk, and Anthy is really dumb, too!_

_We have to take part in these lame Rose Bride duels,_

_But do we complain? No! No! Yes! Huh?_

_So we revolution all over the place, and talk of a thousand wonderful days._

_(everybody now!)_

_Gamera is really sweet, he is filled with turtle meat,_

_We all love you Gameraaaaaaaa!_

Gamera roared viciously, beating his chest and snapping his jaws, but Paul Bunyan was not intimidated, and bellowed loudly as he swung his axe and stomped on the ground. The two titans stormed across Ohtori campus, flattening structures and killing dozens in their wild rush, finally colliding in an explosive crash. Bunyan was briefly stunned by Gamera's greater mass, and dropped his guard just long enough for Gamera to get a few swipes in with his nasty claws. After the third strike, Gamera drew in a deep breath and expelled flames, but Bunyan hefted an arm covered with fireproof flannel and weathered the attack, while his faithful ox charged in from the rear, butting into Gamera's shell. The impact did little more than stun the heroic turtle, but it gave Bunyan an opening for his axe, which he hefted and crashed on Gamera's shoulder.

"Oh, no!" Utena gasped. "Gamera's in trouble!"

"Don't worry, he still has a few tricks up his sleeve," Mitsuru smiled. Utena stared blankly.

"But, uh…Gamera doesn't _have_ sleeves."

"You know what I mean!" Gamera backpedaled in pain, gushing turquoise blood, and Babe was there to push him back further, piercing him in his soft underbelly. Gamera was certainly in trouble, but he knew a good opportunity when he saw one, and clutched onto the enormous blue ox with all his might, crushing and squeezing. His teeth latched onto Babe's neck, sawing through the thick hide; the ox bellowed loudly as thick spurts of blood flew out. Paul Bunyan quickly rushed to Babe's aide, his axe thundering down on Gamera. Bunyan then kicked the turtle hero in one of his wounds, sending him sprawling away, and recovered his companion. Gamera was down, but still not out, and began whirling around violently, his propulsion firing up until he had turned into a spinning wheel of fire. Gamera bashed into Bunyan and ricocheted into Babe, setting them both ablaze. Wounded and enraged, Bunyan threw himself at his foe, catching Gamera in mid-revolution, stopping him but getting horribly burnt in the process. Babe reared up, trampling Gamera with his hooves, finally spearing him again before Bunyan tossed the shell away. Slowly, Gamera crawled out, and though he still looked able to fight, the situation seemed grim.

"That's not fair!" Utena shouted. "It's two against one! If Gamera were fighting one or the other, he'd beat them easily! If only we had some way to even the odds!"

"I think we just might," Miki said. "I've been working on another science project for several years now, in secret. It might just help us get rid of those two, but I'll need four other people to help me."

"Like who?" Nanami said.

"Just your basic 'science team': a leader, a woman, a child, a beefy guy, and a loner. Since I'm the guy who made it, I get to be the leader. Miss Utena, will you be our token girl character?"

"Uh, sure," she grinned, "but I'm not exactly a scientist, if you know what I mean."

"That doesn't matter, as long as you look good in skintight shiny pleather. Mitsuru will obviously fill in the role of the child, and I suppose Juri can be our loner, but where can we get a beefy character? The character designer and art director really haven't given us much to go by in this series. Everybody's the Olympian ideal in terms of physical fitness."

"And he gets on our cases when we break the fourth wall," Wakaba muttered. While Miki was muttering to himself, Nanami took it upon herself to put an end to this behavior, and volunteered.

"Oh, for crying out loud, Miki! Just put me on the roster and let's get going!"

"But Miss Nanami, you're one of the _least_ beefy characters in this entire series!"

"Miki, ourth-fay all-way," Wakaba said.

"I appreciate it," Nanami resumed, fluffing her hair, "but you're forgetting about the time I turned into a cow. If anybody's going to epitomize beefiness, it's going to be me."

There was an awkward pause.

"GET IT?! COW—BEEF! COME ON!"

Again: silence.

"Oh, who cares?" Juri muttered. "Let's just get this over with. Lead the way, Miki." Miki escorted his science team away from the giant monster battle to the music hall. He dashed to his prized piano, played something from the Be Papas, and a secret tunnel opened on the floor.

"Whoa, cool!" Utena squealed. "But what happens when someone makes a request?"

"You know, it's never come up." The tunnel led to an immense underground storage area, where five great masses rested, covered by white sheets. Miki quickly directed everyone to change into their sexy skintight pleather (revising it to "_cute _skintight pleather" for Mitsuru), and vanished underneath one of the sheets (marked "leader"). The other four members of his science team stared at each other blankly before going about their mission.

Meanwhile, back at whatever was left of Ohtori, Gamera was putting up a heroic fight, but he was sorely outmatched by his opponents. Babe had pinned the noble turtle to the ground, and was stomping on his shell with his hooves. To further compound the danger, Paul Bunyan was trying to hack off Gamera's limbs, but before his axe could sever them away, they slipped inside his shell. With both his enemies harassing him, Gamera was powerless to fight back. He would need some help—and luckily, it was coming his way, fast.

"Oh, look!" Anthy exclaimed. "It's the _deus ex machina_!"

"Please don't force me to make a career out of this running 'fourth wall' gag," Wakaba groaned. Fortunately, Anthy was actually being literal: it was a machine not unlike a god, soaring through the air and bashing into Paul Bunyan, pushing him away from Gamera. With one obstacle out of the way, the heroic turtle could focus entirely on Babe, and spun around so quickly that the ox was tossed away. Gamera crawled back to his feet, roaring a thanks to his new partner.

"What is it?" Anthy said. Saionji couldn't believe his eyes.

"I can't believe my eyes! It's…Golion!"

Yes, the massive legendary fighting mech known as Golion stood side-by-side with Gamera, its sword glittering in the sunlight, ready to destroy the evils of the world (sorry, folks, I'm too lazy to look up Golion's theme song). Paul Bunyan and Babe glanced at each other grimly, but it was too late to turn back now. They plowed ahead, each taking a foe in what promised to be the greatest battle Ohtori Academy had ever seen OF ALL TIME.

Or at least for that day.

As the four titans clashed in an explosion of flailing models and cheesy special effects, Chu-Chu crawled out from the remains of Akio's observatory. Because he was so small, Chu-Chu had avoided annihilation when Paul Bunyan and Babe attacked, but had been buried beneath a little rock until just then, when he finally ate his way to freedom. Feeling absolutely famished, since it had been an excruciating nine seconds since his last meal, the little creature toddled his way to the battle, and stood watching it for a moment, jumping up and down with flags in his hands. He shrieked and scurried away as Golion was brought down by Bunyan, and found no safety as Gamera and Babe tore each other to pieces with claws and horns. He eventually grabbed hold of the ox's tail, clinging on for dear life, slowly climbing his way up the flank. Just then, Gamera sprayed Babe with his flame breath, roasting the enormous ox badly. The smell of cooked beef wafted to Chu-Chu's nose, and his stomach overpowered his terror. Just as Babe made ready for a counterattack, the little creature opened his mouth wide, and consumed the enormous ox in a single bite.

"Chuuuuuu," he purred happily. Yet all was not well, because even though he had consumed something a thousand times bigger than him, Chu-Chu was STILL HUNGRY! So next he focused his voracious appetite on Gamera—mmm, turtle soup! Gamera, however, was far too busy keeping Bunyan occupied to notice the little monkey bouncing after him. Golion was dueling with Bunyan's axe while Gamera breathed fire at him; the lumberjack reared back, hitting Gamera, and knocked Golion fiercely. As Gamera fell, he took hold of the closest object he could, which just happened to be Chu-Chu, and flung him at Bunyan with all his might. Chu-Chu screamed as he soared through the air, and knew there was only one hope for survival. Before he could be splattered against the lumberjack's immense body, he opened his mouth, devouring Paul Bunyan with one bite! The day was finally saved.

Once again: awkward pause. At least Anthy didn't seem fazed.

"My goodness! You were certainly hungry, Chu-Chu! How would you like some dessert?" The little monkey squeaked happily as his mistress picked him up, and the two walked away to Anthy's dorm to eat shaved ice, leaving everyone else petrified and awed.

"Damn," Miki whispered. "It'll be hard to top that. And the worst part is…now I'm even _more_ attracted to her!"

KER-THONK!

"You're sick, Miki," Nanami growled. He sighed.

"Yeah, I know. Someone _please_ just throw up the ending marquee!"

_AND THEY LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER! THE END._

"_Thank_ you."

_Next chapter: The Musicians of Bremen!_

Author's notes:

For those of you who didn't quite catch it, Mitsuru basically replicated GlaDOS from the Portal games. The _Gamera_ theme song I played comes from _Mystery Science Theater 3000_, not the actual movies themselves (changed slightly so it makes sense in the "Utena-verse"). Finally, Golion is the original name of the classic anime that made it onto American shores as _Voltron_. And all of this inside of a series dedicated to fairy tales.


	7. Nanami's Delusions Strike Again!

7: Nanami's Delusions Strike Again!

Once upon a pogo stick, there lived an elegant but spoiled young princess, who—although she was given every privilege known—was nevertheless dissatisfied with her position in life, and was always wishing for more, or for better. Before the story progresses any further, it must be noted that there were no hexes or curses laid upon this morally bankrupt princess, yet she suffered spectacular delusions and was usually prone to fits of wild insanity (usually involving animals set out to assassinate her). These delusions were perhaps sentences of judgment sent from better powers, to ensure that all was not comfort and ease for the princess, or perhaps her own burgeoning insecurities led to these wild fancies. In any case:

The princess was on her way to class one morning (but only because she felt like it), when all of a sudden…

"Runaway donkey! A donkey has broken loose!"

"WHY MEEEEEE?!" she shrieked, as the creature barreled its way towards her. Just in the nick of time, however, Utena Tenjou rushed out and saved her, lassoing the wild donkey with a great flourish!

"Jeez," she sighed, "what is with all these animals attacking Nanami? Is this more of Mitsuru's doing?"

"What are you talking about?" Nanami snapped. "This is obviously the work of some macro-organic life form stricken with jealousy for MY good looks and talents! Yes, even the angels weep with envy wherever I walk!"

"Oh, brother," she sighed, gently letting the donkey loose. "Look, just be careful from now on, Nanami. I won't always be here to save you."

"Yes, that's what my big brother is for!" she cackled. Utena rolled her eyes and exited stage right. Resuming from where I left off, Nanami was headed to class—

"Runaway dog! A dog's gone loose!"

"Gosh dang it!" Nanami screamed, as the rabid animal chased her. Just in the nick of time, however, Miki rushed out and saved her, throwing a huge porterhouse steak in the dog's path! His face gleamed with love as he turned to the young woman.

"Miss Anthy, are you—" And then faded glumly as he realized who he had actually saved. "Oh, it's only you, Miss Nanami. Darn!—and here I thought I'd be saving Miss Anthy."

"EX-_CUSE _ME?!"

"Then again, she always did strike me as a great lover of all animals. Why, I bet she'd be able to tame just about anything!"

"ARE YOU LISTENING, MIKI!? HOW COULD YOU CONFUSE ME WITH THAT VAPID-FACED TWIT, ANTHY!" Miki winced as Nanami's voice barreled past him, frightening the poor dog away and leaving the young prodigy with a migraine.

"Ach, you don't have to yell, Miss Nanami! I just thought that Touga or Mitsuru would be the one to save you. I was a victim of circumstance!"

"And now you're saying YOU'RE the victim!? Get outta here!" Miki scampered away, throwing up a huge trail of dust as he returned to class or music hall or fencing or banging his sister, or whatever the heck he does. So now Nanami was feeling cross (but really, when is she not?). She stormed her way to class, determined to at least get inside the building, ready to tear apart anyone or anything that got in her—

"Runaway cat! A cat's on the loose! Look out for the cat!"

"Seriously?" she muttered. Nanami's cynicism turned to fright as a monstrous housecat ran after her, howling and hissing with claws like sickles and fangs like the devil. She was, in fact, able to get inside a building, but only after crashing through a solid brick wall, leaving a Nanami-shaped impression behind. The cat smashed through the wall in hot pursuit, its paws reaching out to grab her. Suddenly, the two Shadow Girls appeared, smacking the cat on its head.

"Bad Juliano, bad! You know better than to chase little mice."

"I _told_ you, his name is Cool Style Unusual Kitty! But was that really a mouse?—or a louse?"

"An uncontrollable kitten that's as big as a house!"

"What sorts of troubles will this beast arouse?"

"Causing some fires that no one can douse?"

"Do you know, do you know, what sorts of things do you really really kn—"

SLLLLLUUUUURRRRRP!

(GULP!)

_MMMRRRRRROOOOOWWWWWWW…_

And so, his appetite appeased, the large cat wandered off, leaving Nanami safe again, and the school in tatters, again. She gradually dug and kicked her way out of the rubble, took a deep breath, scanned around, and carefully crept her way into the classroom. Unusually, she was the first one there, so she found an empty desk, sat down, glanced up at her instructor…

"Runaway rooster! A cock is on the loose!"

Nanami blushed. "So it's finally come to this, has it?" The rooster glanced sideways at Nanami, but since it didn't seem to be a malevolent creature, she was perfectly—

"Oh my God! A giant man-eating chicken is on the loose! Run for your lives!"

"No! Thousands of pissed-off cuckoos are on the loose! A pointy-eared Hyrulian fairy-boy wouldn't stop hitting them with his sword, and now they're swarming!"

"Hit the dirt! Foghorn Leghorn's gone plumb loco!"

"SERIOUSLY?!" Nanami thrashed her fist down on the desk so hard that it broke, and threw herself through the nearest window to avoid the swarms of cuckoos and killer chickens. She screamed bloody murder as she fell, fell, fell, fell…

…

And woke up with a start, finding herself in a bed, surrounded by her friends. She also noticed the color scheme for the chapter had turned sepia.

"Didn't we already do _The Wizard of Oz_?" she muttered. Miki, who was closest to her, touched her forehead as he checked a thermometer.

"What are you talking about, Nanami? We're doing _The Musicians of Bremen_ for our school play. Don't you remember?"

"Too bad that you've already forgotten," Utena said, leaning over the bed. "We can't find anyone else to replace you as director."

"We were all very worried when you passed out all of a sudden," Anthy said. Nanami cringed.

"What's _she_ doing here? And don't tell me that I've been dreaming all this time! That's the lamest cliché in the book!"

"Anthy's in charge of costume design," Utena said. "Gee, you _really_ must've been exhausted! Maybe you have short-term amnesia or something."

"Another idiotic cliché," Nanami exclaimed, hopping out of bed. "Are we finished with the pandering expositions? _Thank_ you. Now: you say that I'm the director, right?"

"Surprisingly," Miki muttered. Nanami glared.

"_What_ was that?"

"Nothing."

"I thought so! Anyway, what's this play about?"

"Oh, it's one of my favorites!" Anthy exclaimed. "It's about a donkey, a dog, a cat, and a rooster going to the town of Bremen to become musicians. See?"

Nanami then realized that Utena was wearing a donkey costume, Miki a dog's, the Shadow Girls were wearing a large cat's costume, and Saionji was a giant dick.

I mean, he was a cock.

Rooster. Damn it.

"Yyyyeah," she drawled. "I quit."

And she walked out of the production and lived happily ever after.

_The End_

_Next chapter: Og! The Musical!_


	8. Og! The Musical!

Author's note:

Normally I never put my notes at the beginning of my chapters, but the contents of this _particular _chapter necessitated it. I realize by now that people who are reading this series (if any) have come to understand a certain degree of bizarre spectacles, mixed in with broad humor, stunning beauty, staunch drama, and even occasional insight (in other words, the perfect formula to mirror the anime which these tales incorporate). Until now, I have usually been very liberal with the source material, oftentimes taking virtually nothing from the original stories save a title, a setting, and a few characters. However, the following tale is so completely incredible that I could not possibly make it more ludicrous even if I tried. So allow me to be very clear about one thing before I let you get back to it: I AM NOT MAKING ANY OF THIS UP. I AM NOT EMBELLISHING ANYTHING. Everything you read is as I have read it; nothing is added, altered, or removed. For those who don't believe me, all it takes it a bit of research. Let me say it again, though: I will be telling this story verbatim. Everything you read from here on out will come directly from the source, and nothing else. That having been said, kindly hold onto your hats, and as always, don't tease the octopus, kids.

8: Og! The Musical!

Once upon a sparkling distilled dihydrogen oxide enhanced with electrolytes, there lived a giant at the beginning of time named Akio, or "Og" for short. Akio Og the giant was truly monstrous in size and demeanor. When the God of the Judeo-Christian belief system looked down on the world and judged it to be loaded with sin, even though I'm sure it really wasn't THAT bad (I'm sure today's society isn't BETTER), he opened the heavenly floodgates and sent a torrential downpour that covered all of the land in water, sparing only one guy, his family, and two of every animal, promoting incest yet again. HOWEVER, Akio Og was so enormous that the flood waters sent by Judeo-Christian God only reached up to his ankles. Seriously. This was the flood that covered EVERYTHING in water, including mountains. Like Kilimanjaro and Everest. And the water only went up to Akio Og's ankles.

I'll let that sink into your head for a moment.

So Akio Og was basically doing his best Gene Kelley impersonation for about a month or so when the waters finally receded. The humans and animals soon to be forced into several generations of hot, sexy incest made it out onto dry land, and were the first people to experience a post-apocalyptic wasteland. So Noah was, in reality, the Road Warrior. But this story isn't about him or Steve Carrell or Mel Gibson, it's about Akio Og.

A few generations after Judeo-Christian God made all the world's oceans (which is laughable because Poseidon was clearly the one responsible for that), Akio Og was just doing whatever the hell giants do (destroy Tokyo, I guess), when all of a sudden, he saw the most beautiful woman he had ever known: Sarah, the seventy year-old wife of Abraham Lincoln. Yes, that's correct. Akio Og, the giant who was so big that the flood waters that destroyed the entire world only reached up to his ankles, was madly in lust with a seventy year-old woman. Seriously.

Unfortunately for our mammoth-sized hero, Sarah was married to Abraham, who would later go on to become father to the Hebrew nation. So I guess their roles can go to Utena and Touga, but who cares? Og was furious, but rather than use his colossal feet to crush honest Abe, he merely stayed pissed off for a few centuries more—mostly at Jews and the Hebrews, but especially toward the progeny of Abraham himself. So, you know, Isaac and Jacob and Joseph and all those other people you read about in Sunday school class. Akio Og the giant held onto his hatred for like a thousand years or something, so aside from being gargantuan and in love with a septuagenarian, he was the world's first anti-Semite. Honest to God (Brahma or Anlil or maybe Heimdall).

Well, this continued until the Pharaohs decided it would be fun to have slaves, so they asked the Hebrews very nicely if they'd like to be slaves, and the Hebrews said yes for four-hundred years. After that time, Pharaoh Yul Brinner totally thought the slaves were hashing his buzz, so he asked his adopted brother Charlton Heston if he wouldn't mind getting rid of them (and Cecil B. de Mille's alternate retelling can suck it). Now entrusting a group of about a hundred-thousand Jews to Charlton Heston may not sound like such a good idea, but he WAS the Omega Man, and he WAS stuck on the Planet of the Apes for awhile (which I think became the Green Lantern's world eventually), and he WAS Judah Ben-Hur, so apparently it was fine.

Also? Oscar winners are completely trustworthy.

What does this have to do with Akio Og, you might ask? Well, remember that Akio Og was a vicious anti-Semite, and getting word that a multitude of Jews just got released from bondage was more than enough to set him off. Akio Og reasoned that if he could just take out this sparkling, charismatic new leader his enemies had, then Sarah, who had been dead for a couple hundred years, would somehow find him attractive, or he'd feel better, or some crazy crap. Let's face it, a body that size cannot have a very good brain. I mean, look at the dinosaurs. Sure, they were huge and terrifying, but their brains were made out of walnuts. Walnuts and delicious, delicious zombie food.

So Charlton Heston and company made it to their Promised Land after getting lost and wandering around for forty years or so (they must've been on the jungle fungus, man). Chuck, being the president of the NRA, naturally got into a few scrapes with the locals, and it was in the city of Edrei where he met his race's mortal foe. Akio Og had taken control of Edrei, since apparently it's very easy to conquer a city if your hair touches the moon, and he saw his enemies coming (though I guess that goes without saying). Being the enormous brute he was, Akio reached out and plucked up a mountain, holding it over his head, ready to crush the Hebrews.

Yes. He tore up an entire mountain with his bare hands.

Normal-sized Chuck was obviously in danger, but since Judeo-Christian God finally pulled his head out of his sphincter long enough to realize that, yes, there was a nine-thousand story giant walking the earth and he was about to squash his "chosen people", he finally took action and gave old Charlton a hand. First, he magically caused Akio Og to drop the mountain on his shoulders. No problem, Akio Og could just shrug it off—but then his teeth sank into it (I kid you not). Unable to see, Charlton Heston took this opportunity, grabbed an axe, and leaped into the air, cutting Akio Og's legs off at the ankles. Yes. You read right. I'm not making that part up. Moses jumped so high that he cut Og's leg off at the ankle. And Og survived the flood that drowned EVERYTHING, because the water only went up to those ankles. And Moses jumped up to hack his legs off right there. With an axe.

Seriously.

Well, amputation is bad and gross (but pretty funny if the other guy is evil. Or a robot. Or Justin Bieber), so Akio Og fell to the earth, and it was the fall—not getting his limbs severed, thus losing what must have been oceans of blood—it was the fall (or beauty) that killed the beast. And I guess the Hebrews feasted on his flesh, or else whatever was left of the dinosaurs ate it, because the Bible totally has dinosaurs in it (yeah, it really does); anyway, Akio Og was dead, and his body was disposed of somehow, and the Hebrews never had any other enemies for the whole day!

_And they all lived happily ever after!_

_THE END_

_Next chapter: The Emperor's New Clothes_


End file.
